


You Deserve Better

by MangOhNo



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Happy Ending, Inner Dialogue - Italics, M/M, Panic Attacks, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Some Fluff, becoming okay with yourself, conflicted - Freeform, mostly angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-31
Updated: 2020-06-23
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:21:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24474199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MangOhNo/pseuds/MangOhNo
Summary: Tsukishima has never liked himself. And chances are, if you hung around him, you wouldn't like him either. How he managed to even get a boyfriend in the first place was some sort of miracle. But when was this all going to crash and burn? It's only a matter of time...ORTsukishima struggles with inner turmoil and Kuroo notices.--IF I get enough requests, I can re-write the story another Haikyuu pairing--
Relationships: Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei
Comments: 8
Kudos: 84





	1. Bottled

_ Selfish. Empty. Numb. Undeserving. Unlovable. _

All the reasons why Tsukishima believed he shouldn’t have dragged Kuroo into a relationship. Sure, Kuroo was the one who made the first moves, yet Tsukishima couldn’t help but feel as if he was some sort of culprit who forced Kuroo into a one-sided relationship.

_ Amazing. Handsome. Sociable. Lively. Loved by all. _

All the reasons why Kuroo didn’t deserve Tsukishima. Kuroo was everything Tsukishima wasn’t, and it didn’t make any sense to him. Why would Kuroo stick next to him, and not just get up and leave? He has to know that he’s so much more than Tsukishima could ever be.

Yet here he was. Sitting next to him on the couch as they watched a film. Sometimes, Tsukishima felt like he was about to explode, like a ticking time bomb. He always shoved his emotions to the side, barely showing them to others. The smug, smart-ass part of himself that most people dealt with when they dealt with him was just a surface-level persona. Nothing of substance, but no one cared to figure out more.

No one except for Kuroo and Yamaguchi. They’d both tried on separate occasions to get him to crack, but he’d just pretend he was annoyed and would divert them or ignore them until they stopped bugging him.  _ How cruel. _ He knows. 

Truth be told, he hated who he was. He didn’t understand how everyone could be so willing to show their emotions so freely, yet he felt they have the right to. They have the right to, but not him. And yes, he understood that this was backwards thinking, but it almost felt like a violation to wear his heart on his sleeve.

The exploding feeling, the tightness in his chest, the anxious fiddling of his fingers, to sitting motionless. Part of him longed for nothing more to just cave in and sob away his woes, to feel them melt off his shoulders. Maybe then he wouldn’t feel barren. So suppressive. He could maybe even learn to be like others.

But that was just wishful thinking, and wishful thinking got you nowhere. This, he knew all too well. Wishful thinking ended up causing a mudded relationship between him and Akiteru. His own brother, suddenly a stranger to him. Merely someone who lived in his house. 

If Tsukishima could, he would inherit his brother’s optimism. Yamaguchi’s kindness, and Kuroo’s charm. However he’d already reached the conclusion that he was merely unfixable. Too much of this, and too much of that.

So again. Why, why,  _ why, _ did he want to do better? Why did he have this drive deep down on the inside to become a better person? He didn’t deserve it after all. Why did he want to tell Kuroo about everything that had been stored away in a tiny bottle inside his chest? That would be selfish to put on Kuroo.

Maybe it was pure coincidence or comedic timing, but Tsukishima was caught off guard when a voice next to him suddenly pulled him out of his thoughts.

“Tsukki? Are you okay?”


	2. Conflicted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tsukishima struggles to find the words to say.

“Tsukki? Are you okay?”

_ Shit. _

“Yeah, you?” Tsukishima blurted as his head whipped to face Kuroo.  _ Wow, nice going. Super believable.  _ He wanted nothing more to punch himself in the face. The credits were rolling,  _ and had _ been rolling for a few minutes.

“Yeah I’m fine…” Kuroo said cautiously, looking into Tsukishima’s eyes with a bit of worry apparent on his face.

Tsukishima felt bad for lying, but it was too sudden. Too soon. So instead he opted for plastering a small forced smile on his face. The smile didn’t have to meet his eyes, it just had to pass for the time being.

That’s another thing Tsukishima hated about himself. ‘Passing for the time being’. That was all he did really. His grades were passing, but he never strove for anything higher than passing. In volleyball, until recently he only tried to simply do what was asked of him well enough with any extra practices or even thinking about how to improve. If he messed up or did worse than intended, outwardly he just shrugged it off. Inwardly he was interrogating himself, digging the empty well of self hatred even deeper.

“Ok, well you know if you have something you want to say, you can just say it, right?”

“Yeah I know.”

“Okay, just making sure you remembered.”

Kuroo reached out to the coffee table and looked at the time on his phone, while Tsukishima was internally beating himself up.

“Shoot. As much as I’d like to stay over, I gotta head back. I have a 9 AM class tomorrow, and I was late last time.”

“Yeah no problem.”

Tsukishima and Kuroo stood as Kuroo started collecting his things, readying himself to leave.

“What’d you think of the movie?” Kuroo questioned as he pulled his coat on and retrieved his keys from the pocket.

“The movie?”  _ Shit, wait. What was the movie about again? You can’t just stand here in silence, say something! But what was the movie about? _ “Uh, it was good. I really liked the cinematography.”

_ Phew. Okay, so it wasn’t great, but it wasn’t our worst attempt.  _ Tsukishima had been too lost in his thoughts to have actually recalled the events that took place in the movie. Don’t get him wrong, he really treasured the time he spent with Kuroo. It was _ only a matter of time before it was gonna end, anyways. Then he’d become a completely empty vessel again.  _

“The cinematography?” Kuroo repeated as he thought to himself. “Yeah, now that I think about it, it actually was really beautiful huh? Like you!” Kuroo beamed.

_ He’s only saying it because he feels obligated to.  _ Tsukishima just looked away and tried to keep the heat from rising to his cheeks. 

“Yeah right. Anyways, didn’t you say you have a 9 AM tomorrow?”

“Aw, trying to get rid of me even quicker? How sad, Tsukki,” Kuroo cackled.

_ That is sad. It was rude and pathetic. God Kuroo probably hates him so much. _

“Tch, maybe I am."

“Haha, okay, okay,” Kuroo said, holding his hands up as if surrendering.

They moved to the front door. Just as Kuroo popped the door open, he turned back to face Tsukishima.

“Goodnight, Moonlight,” Kuroo cooed lovingly, planting a kiss on Tsukishima’s cheek.

And with that, he left, closing the door behind him.

Tsukishima stood there staring blankly at the door for a few moments before walking straight into his room, closing the door behind him and flopping onto his bed as if on autopilot.

_ Why didn’t you kiss him back? Why didn’t you say anything? God, you really are pathetic, aren’t you. No wonder he wanted to leave so quickly. _

“I really am worthless..” Tsukishima muttered softly to himself, staring at the ceiling above him. 

_ What a lowlife. What a coward. You couldn’t even snuggle with him while sitting on the couch. You just can’t make the first move, huh? That’s another reason why he should hate you. You never take initiative, you never do anything! Maybe things would be better if you just- _

**DING.**

Tsukishima’s phone lit up and he saw a text notification from Kuroo appear.

**11:58 PM BedheadHottie~:** Thanks for having me over tonight! I really loved watching the movie and more importantly, seeing you ;)

Tsukishima’s heart fluttered as he reread the message and thought of a response.  _ Okay, what to say, what to say? “I liked seeing you more?” Ew no. Way too corny. What about “I’d pick seeing you over the movie any day.” Well if the last one wasn’t flirty, this definitely was. Hurry up, you gotta say something or he’ll think you hate him! And if he thinks that then he’ll hurry up end things before you’re completely prepared which will devastate you and then- _

**12:04 AM TsukkiSaurus:** Thanks for coming. I liked it too.

_ Wow. Just… what an eloquent way with words, huh? All that time stressing out about what to say, and that’s what you put? Guess I really shouldn’t have much of an expectation though. _

**12:05 AM BedheadHottie~:** Awww! Don’t get too mushy on me now after I’ve left, Tsukki! Anyways, I’m gonna shower and head straight to bed after I get home. Goodnight! I’ll text you in the morning <3

_ Maybe things would be okay for now.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! This chapter came out way sooner than I expected. Next chapter starring Yamaguchi to come soon!


	3. The Next Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yamaguchi and Tsukishima hang out on a free day before practice.

Tsukishima went to bed a few hours after receiving the last text from Kuroo, reading it over and over again each time his mind slipped into a dangerous place.

“ **12:05 AM BedheadHottie~:** Awww! Don’t get too mushy on me now after I’ve left, Tsukki! Anyways, I’m gonna shower and head straight to bed after I get home. Goodnight! I’ll text you in the morning <3”

Despite what the voices in his head were trying to tell him, reading the text as if Kuroo were saying to him in person helped drown them out. He was actually able to get decent sleep for once.

When he finally woke up it was a few minutes before 9 AM when his phone pinged, lighting up with another text from Kuroo and a text from Yamaguchi he had missed from earlier.

**8:56 AM BedheadHottie~:** Good morning Moonshine! I have a lecture in a few minutes. It’s a pretty nice day out, you should enjoy it! There’s still some ice cream in your freezer from a few visits back.

**8:58 AM BedheadHottie~:** *sent an image*

The photo loaded and revealed a picture of a rather chipper Kuroo and Bokuto sitting next to each other and holding up peace signs. The simple picture made Tsukishima’s heart flutter.

**8:59 AM BedheadHottie~:** Alright gotta go, text you when I get done <33

Tsukishima pondered responding but opted out for the moment. He couldn’t risk being the one to make Kuroo’s phone go off during a lecture. Plus it’s be stupid, whatever he’d send, and what an annoying way to get him in trouble.  _ Not worth it. The risk, and me. _

He instead went to check what Yamaguchi had sent him earlier in the morning.

**7:38 AM Yams:** Hi Tsukki! Do you have a free day today?

Tsukishima started running through his daily itinerary in his head. No Monday classes, so nothing until practice tonight, which wasn’t until 5:30 PM.  _ But you could just lay in bed all day.  _

He juggled the thoughts in his head. On one hand, he could lie or ignore Yams and stay home all day, but then he would be stuck with his thoughts with nothing else to occupy him. Which could be potentially more harmful. On the other hand, he could agree and join Yams, making an effort to be a good friend and have something to force his attention away from his head. He opted for the latter.

**9:05 AM TsukkiSaurus:** Yeah I’m free.

Within seconds he received a reply.

**9:05 AM Yams:** Great! Do you wanna go to that new crêpe place and walk around the park together? Crêpes on me!

Yeah, that actually sounded appealing to Tsukishima. He’d heard something about a strawberry créme crêpe that was being sold there. If something were to raise his mood, it’s be these three things: Yamaguchi, Kuroo, and strawberries. 

He shot Yamaguchi a text back confirming the plans and forced himself out of bed. He changed into a white t-shirt with a mini pocket that displayed a cartoonish blue moon logo and black pants which he rolled up at the ends. Most pants had a hard time reaching his ankles in the first place due to his height, and the ones he was able to find just barely touched the floors. Not only would rolling them allow him to be a more natural height, but make him look more put together. He slipped on his favorite white and green Brachiosaurus socks to add a fun flair.  _ Yeah, I can try to at least look more interesting. But doesn’t it look stupid? Too childish? Oh whatever. _

Shoot, he spent so much time worrying about how his outfit looked that he lost track of time. He raced into the bathroom, quickly brushing out his hair and brushing his teeth while collecting his things he needed before he left from around the house like his keys, ID, wallet, light jacket, etc. Tsukishima spat out his toothpaste in the bathroom sink and practically bolted out of his front door, hurriedly locking it behind him.

He ran to the station just in the nick of time, cramming himself on with the thousands of other strangers and texting Yamaguchi that he’d be a few minutes late.  _ You really wanted to be a better friend? Well looks like you’re off to a great start. _

Tsukishima just let out a sigh and occupied himself with checking his social media stories while waiting for his stop to arrive. Looks like Hinata and Kageyama were practicing outside of practice. But who’s shocked, really? Asahi, Nishinoya, and Tanaka were all at Slams Club stealing samples from the poor ladies working the sample booths. Well, Nishinoya and Tanaka were, Asahi was mostly freaking out about them, trying to herd them like cats. Daichi and Suga were studying together in some sort of cottagey café.

Parts of Tsukishima wished he could be like them. Sharing how much fun he was having for everyone to see and share their fun times with him too.  _ But you’re not funny. No one cares what you do or what happens to you anyways, so why would they want to see that garbage. _

Right. Well, this was his stop and he partly walked off (more shoved off by the other people trying to exit). He exited the station and walked towards the direction of the crêpe shop when he spotted a certain brunette peeking his head around like a prairie dog, looking for Tsukishima. Finally he spotted him and waved with a giant grin.

“HEY TSUKKI! LOVE THE SOCKS!” he shouted, startling the people walking past him and earning some unwarranted attention to Tsukishima's ankles.

“Keep it down Yams, you’re going to give someone a heart attack,” Tsukishima hissed.  _ Nice going Tsukishima! Don’t greet your childhood best friend, why don’t you? _

“Sorry Tsukki!” Yamaguchi chimed. “Anyways, you ready for some crêpes? I heard that they’re really good, like REALLY good!”

“Yeah I heard that too. You ready to go in?” Tsukishima asked.

“Bring the crêpes!” Yamaguchi cheered, pumping his fist into the air.

The pair walked into the shop. Despite the lines of people and lack of sitting, the place was cute. It had a chic Parisian interior with soft pink angel lights illuminating the shop’s sign and tracing the area where the wall and ceiling met. Yamaguchi was gushing at a cat painting on the wall.

As they waited in line, Yamaguchi talked about Yachi, whom he had started dating just a little before Kuroo and Tsukishima got together, so about 7 or 8 months now. Tsukishima just listened to him talk about how amazing their relationship was while wearing a fake smile. It’s not that he wasn’t happy for Yamaguchi and Yachi, of course he was. But hearing about the amazing made him feel worse about his own relationship- which he was certain was going to end soon.

Finally it was their turn to order. Sure enough, there was a crêpe called “Strawberry Rêve”. Perfect! He confirmed his choice with the cashier and Yamaguchi followed shortly after ordering a more savoury “Poulet et Herbes” crêpe. Their mouths were watering as they were handed their crêpes. Damn did they look good.  _ And the price is only-! Wait it was HOW MUCH? There is no way in hell you can make Yamaguchi pay that much and be a good friend! _

It was like slow motion, watching Yamaguchi start to hand his card to the cashier. So Tsukishima did the first thing that came to mind. He plucked the card out of Yamachi’s hand and stuffed it in his pocket, practically shoving his card at the cashier. Yamaguchi spun to look at him shocked while the cashier laughed awkwardly and took his card.  _ Phew, crisis diverted. Well? Aren’t you gonna give him his card back? He’s gonna think you’re stealing it, is that what you want? Thievery is so petty and low. _

Tsukishima just blinked and handed Yamaguchi his card back as he took his own card back from the cashier. They both thanked her and headed out the door in the direction of the park, side by side.

“You do remember me saying I was gonna pay for as, right?” Yamaguchi said, looking directly at him, slightly puzzled, slightly concerned. 

“You were too slow, besides it’s already paid for now,” Tsukishima said looking away.

“Hmmm. Well thanks Tsukki!” 

Yamaguchi knew what Tsukki was really like. Beneath what he showed to others, he was a genuinely caring and polite person. He once watched Tsukki help an old lady carry her groceries all the way to the opposite side of town from his own house. Let’s just say, the exterior never matched the interior.

For example: if there were a bug in the room, and Tsukishima had to deal with it, everyone who didn’t know him would expect him to squash it with no mercy. But Yamaguchi knew, because he’d also witnessed it before, that Tsukishima would just allow the bug to climb into his hand, then carry the bug outside so the bug could find it’s bug family again. He was some sort of nerdy, gentle giant. And that’s why Yamaguchi adored him so much.

But of course he could never say this to Tsukki. He’d just get all defensive and put his walls up, acting like his normal easily-irritated attitude. Yamaguchi had liked that too about Tsukishima. They way he could go from being a nerdy, gentle giant to super cool! Like super cool! 

They found a bench to sit on in the park and Yamaguchi kept talking Tsukishima’s ear off as they ate their crêpes. Yamaguchi noticed that Tsukki’s attention wasn’t really all there, and that he was bothered by something. When Yamaguchi took a quick breather, Tsukishima worked up the courage to ask him a question.

“Yams? Do you ever wish you’d met someone else instead of me?”


	4. Warning Signs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tsukki [kind of] confides in Yamaguchi.

“Yams? Do you ever wish you’d met someone else instead of me?”

“...what?”

Silence passed between them, the only sound coming from the wind rustling the trees. Tsukishima looked.. Down. No, not down. Hurt. The only other time Yamaguchi had seen Tsukki like this was after the match against Shiratorizawa.

“Uh nevermind, it was a stupid question.”  _ You fucked up. You fucked up and now your only friend hates you. How could you be so stupid? So fucking pathetic? Why did you have to open your mouth? Things were going so well. You just can’t do anything right. _

“No, it’s okay Tsukki! But I’m not really sure what you mean?” Yamaguchi said carefully. Tsukishima rarely opened up to him like this, so he didn’t want to pressure him too much and have him shut down.

“It’s just… I…” Tsukishima kept his gaze toward his feet. _Okay so now that you fucked up, you can either change the subject or keep going._ _Changing the subject might hurt Yams more though and you might lose more even of your connection to him._ “I was wondering if you’d ever wished someone else had stopped those bullies in the park, back in middle school. Someone who could’ve actually done something.”

“You did do something Tsukki. They never messed with me again, after that,” Yamaguchi said, a little taken aback.

“Maybe. But if it were someone else, you could’ve met somebody who never says mean things to you, someone who’s better and just-”.  _ Just what. That’s it, isn’t it? Someone who’s better? Because then that would mean someone who’s kind, smarter, funny, sociable, and wears their heart on their sleeve without hesitation. Someone who’s better looking, mentally secure, and has confidence under their belt. Someone that’s not you. So yeah, that’s it. Someone who is better. _

“You’re right. Maybe I would have, Tsukki,” Yamaguchi said angrily. Tsukishima’s gaze snapped from the ground into Yamaguchi’s eyes, a wild fire burning beneath them. “But I didn’t. I met you and I am grateful every single day I did!”

_ Oh.  _

“And! And don’t you think otherwise, okay Tsukki?! You’re my best friend and I really care about you! I don’t care if you say negative things to me, because I know you don’t actually mean it! If you really think I would stick by your side not having a clue about what you’re really like on the inside, then that would surely make me a shitty friend, huh?” 

Tsukishima’s ears burned at the confession and his stomach turned. He was grateful for what Yamaguchi said, but something felt wrong to him, and he wasn’t quite sure what. And that freaked him out. It’s like his head was blaring at him on repeat to go home.

“Oh. Uh, thanks Yams,” was all he could muster.

“Of course, Tsukki!” Yamaguchi huffed.

They sat there for a few more moments in silence before Tsukishima pulled out his phone to check the time. It read ‘3:30 PM’.

“Um. Yams? Do you think we should head back to our places? Practice is in a few hours.”

“Sure thing. Catch you later, alright? Let me know if you need anything, okay?”

“Yeah.”

And with that, they both parted ways. Tsukishima walked back to the station with his head hung low, the churning feeling still in his stomach.  _ Manipulator. That’s what you are. Poor Yamaguchi thinks of you as some sort of hero when in reality, you haven’t done shit. Your manipulation has gone so far that he feels obligated to be by your side. You should just cut him off, it’d be better that way. Then he’d realize what a monster you are and stay away for his own good. _

He didn’t remember when, but he was already in his house, headed straight for his room with his headphones on, blaring music into his ears. His stomach had quieted down after his realization, but he still felt gross. Tsukishima just sat on the edge of his bed with his head in his hands and spacing out.  _ Will I ever feel okay? Will I ever be able to experience true happiness, or am I not even capable or deserving of that? _

\----

Yamaguchi walked back to his house, slightly proud of how the conversation went, but still a little off-put by it. He slipped out his phone while he walked and shot a quick text to Kuroo.

__ **3:45 PM Yamaguchi:** Hey, I was just hanging out with Tsukki. Have you noticed anything different with him lately?

Within a minute, he received a reply from an equally concerned Kuroo.

**3:45 PM Kuroo:** Yeah I have noticed something was off. I tried to ask him, but he just deflected it. Do you know anything?

**3:46 PM Yamaguchi:** Well, I’ll tell you what happened today because I’m concerned for Tsukki but you CAN NOT mention it to him at all or he’ll think we went behind his back or something. Promise you won’t tell him I told you?

  
**3:47 PM Kuroo:** I promise.


	5. Practice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I know this may be confusing, but all characters are college age. Lemme just list the teams right now to avoid further confusion (THESE ARE NOT CANON SO DON’T AT ME PLS)(Also I’m sorry, I just can’t leave my boys separate from each other, they way they are canonly :( )
> 
> Sendai Frogs: Tsukishima, Yamaguchi, Tanaka, Hinata, Suga, Daichi, Terushima, Lev, Yaku, Oikawa and Iwaizumi.
> 
> Waseda Warriors: Kuroo, Kenma, Asahi, Nishinoya, Kageyama, Aone, Bokuto, Akaashi, and Kindaichi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *WARNING: Poor coping methods and self harm (scratching). If any of this bothers you, then this fic might not be the best for you. If you are currently experiencing any sort of self harm, please seek help. Even if it’s just to talk, any step towards helping yourself is a step all around. https://www.childhelp.org/ - Provides 24/7 assistance in 170 languages to adults, children and youth with information and questions regarding child abuse. All calls are anonymous and confidential.  
> http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/gethelp.aspx - Support and asssitance 24/7 for anyone feeling depressed, overwhelmed or suicidal.  
> http://www.thehotline.org/help/ - National call center refers to local resources; Spanish plus 160 other languages available; no caller ID used.  
> http://www.rainn.org/get-help/national-sexual-assault-hotline/ - (Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network - RAINN)  
> Nationwide referrals for specialized counseling and support groups. Hotline (1.800.656.4673) routes calls to local sex assault crisis centers for resources and referrals. Spanish available.  
> http://www.befrienders.org/ - Worldwide resources for suicide counseling and support.  
> http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html - Listing of crisis lines around the world for anyone feeling depressed, overwhelmed or suicidal.  
> https://www.nowmattersnow.org/ - Suicide prevention website offering videos on other people's experiences, mindfulness techniques and coping skills.  
> http://www.nationalparenthelpline.org/ - Helpline for parent and caregiver support.

Tsukishima lost track of time, just sitting motionless at the edge of his bed. Before he knew it, an alarm broke him out of his trance. 30 minutes till practice. Maybe he could just call in sick, or skip. But he wasn’t about to be more of a disappointment.

He put his hands down on the sides of the bed and pushed himself up. He felt heavy, like he had thick metal chains around his shoulders, weights strapped to his knees and ankles. He stumbled over to his black practice bag that carried his shoes and clothes. A glint of metal sparkled just below the bag on the ground and Tsukki carefully crouched down to pick it up and turn it over.

It was his little dino pin that had resided on his bag strap. The pin had popped off from the metal and the clasp was broken.  _ Stupid dinosaurs. What a childish thing.  _ Tsukishima put the broken pin on his desk and snatched up his bag. He couldn’t help but feel a pang of guilt for the negligence of something he once held dear to himself. But he shoved down the feeling and grabbed his jacket and shoes, heading out the door. He didn’t care if he looked like shit or not, he knew he probably did but nothing he could do would fix it.

As he headed towards the gym, he felt completely and utterly numb. He didn’t realize he had been scratching at the same place on his arm until a few beads of blood got scraped under his nails. His pale skin around the scratching was puffy and red, aggravated at the repeated behavior. It only stung a little bit, but nothing about this circumstance shocked him. It was a new behavior, but he embraced it like an old friend instead. Now his head was spinning as the gym appeared in his sight. What would he say if someone saw the scratches when he got into the changing room?  _ Just say you scraped it on some metal sticking out at the station. Why would they question you about that?  _

Good, so now he had a cover up for that. He entered the changing room, greeted by Yamaguchi and Suga, who were almost finished changing.

“Hey Tsukishima! Everyone else is in the gym so hurry up, okay?” Suga said as he finished tying his shoes and strolled out of the changing room. Tsukishima just replied with a grunt.  _ Wow, you can’t even bother to respond to your senpai? Impolite and disrespectful. Let’s add those two to the list of other incompetencies. _

“Hi Tsukki!” Yamaguchi said a little warily, the conversation from earlier still lingering in his mind. He  _ would  _ bring it up again to Tsukki, but he figured it would be best to let Tsukishima approach him instead. Only if the circumstances got more intense, would he initiate another heart-to-heart with him.

“Oh. Hey, Yams.”

Uncomfortable. That’s the word Yamaguchi would use to describe the air between them. It was normally an easy-going and relaxed vibe around them, but today it was just off. And more than usual it was-  _ wait _ . 

_ ‘What’s that?’ _ Yamaguchi thought. There were three angry, jagged lines, with little dried droplets of blood that were marked on Tsukki’s bicep.  _ ‘Did he have them when we were in the park earlier today? Not that I can remember, he wasn’t wearing short sleeves then… but these marks seem recent, if not only a handful of minutes before-’ _

“Yams? Are you going to keep staring or are we going to go to practice?” 

Yamaguchi hadn’t even realized how long he had been staring at Tsukki, but apparently long enough for Tsukishima to finish dressing into his clothes that now covered the marks he had been looking at. Both of their faces flushed in embarrassment as they walked out of the changing room and down to practice.

'Today is NOT my day,’  Tsukishima thought midway through practice. He was utterly sloppy in his blocking. When he went to serve, he dropped the ball before even tossing it up, which caused Tanaka and Hinata to taunt him. Normally he’d jab back, but all he could offer today was a glare and a sneer as he chased the ball that was rolling away from him.  _ Maybe they’ll realize how much of a liability you are, and bench you for the rest of the year. That would be for the better, wouldn’t it? _

The rest of practice was pretty much what you’d expect. Not great. Tsukishima was just relieved that he could go straight back to his home without being on gym cleanup. No one had seen the scratches, or at least they hadn’t commented on it. He and Yamaguchi headed back to the changing rooms in silence. It returned to a comfortable silence, though Tsukishima could sense some anxiousness coming from Yamaguchi.

“You okay, Yams?” Tsukki asked while changing out of his gym shorts.

“Uh, yeah! Are you?” Yamaguchi said, chewing at the corner of his lip. 

“I’m fine,” Tsukishima said, finishing changing into his normal clothes. Suddenly Suga and Daichi walked in, laughing together, though they quieted once they saw Tsukishima and Yamaguchi about to leave, staring mainly at Tsukishima.

“Hey Tsukki, can I talk to you for a moment?” Daichi said.

Yamaguchi looked back and forth between them.  _ ‘Had Daichi seen Tsukishima’s arm too?’ _ he wondered.  _ ‘Should I be this concerned too? What’s Tsukki gonna say?’ _

“Sure.”

With that, Daichi and Tsukishima stepped outside, leaving Suga and Yamaguchi in the changing room. Suga went over to his locker and started changing, his back towards Yamaguchi, who hadn’t budged yet, not quite sure what was happening.

“Hey Suga?” 

“Hmm~?” Suga hummed.

“Is.. Is something serious going on that I should know about?”

“What do you mean?” Suga said, turning his head over his shoulder to look at him.

“Well, Tsukishima didn’t really play as well as he normally does today,” Yamaguchi said, his voice low as if Tsukishima were still in the room. “So I didn’t know if that was why Daichi wanted to talk to him on the side or not.”

“Yeah I noticed he wasn’t in the best shape today. He looked a little tired. But don’t worry, he’s not in trouble or anything like that. Why? Do you think there’s something we should talk to him about?” Suga raised his brow in question.

_ ‘Do I tell them what I’ve been noticing, or do I keep it between Tsukki and I? If I tell Suga, he’ll definitely tell Daichi. A positive of that, is that they can keep an eye out for Tsukki too. A negative of that, is that that’s two more people who might slip that Kuroo and I are concerned for Tsukki, and Tsukki might retract and build a bigger wall between himself and others,’  _ Yamaguchi thought.  _ ‘I think I’ll keep this between Kuroo and I for now. If things get difficult, or Tsukishima seems worse, I’ll tell Daichi and Suga. But I ABSOLUTELY need to make sure Tsukishima is able to trust me. If he loses that trust then… I don’t want to think about what would happen.’ _

“Nope! Just wondering what’s going on, that’s all,” Yamaguchi said, forcing a smile to get Suga to drop the subject.

“Okay, well… Just let me know if that changes,” Suga mumbled, returning to changing his clothes.

The door opened and Daichi walked in, a smile on his face, leaving Tsukishima in the doorway. He looked  _ pale _ He held his same stoic expression, he just seemed paler than usual to Yamaguchi, who grabbed his bag and joined Tsukishima out the door and on the walk to the station.

Yamaguchi felt weird asking what happened between Daichi and Tsukishima too early on in the walk. He didn’t want it to be uncomfortable again, so he’d wait till he got to the station so that they could catch the train (whoevers came first) if things got too weird between them. So he counted the steps and seconds between the gym and the station. 

They both scanned their cards and got to the platform, Tsukki’s train southbound, and Yamaguchi’s northbound. But neither of their trains had arrived yet. It was about 9 PM so there were only a handful of people waiting for the trains on the platform. Perfect time to spring the question.

“So, Tsukki?” Yamaguchi started. “What did Daichi want to talk about?”

Tsukishima broke his gaze from the tracks to Yamaguchi, having missed everything Yamaguchi just said. “Huh?”

“Oh- I just asked about what Daichi said to you earlier.” 

_ Lie, truth or change subject. Lie, truth or change subject? He’ll find out soon enough anyways. _

"I got picked to do a photoshoot with Oikawa-san and Lev to represent the Frogs for a sports magazine."

"WHAT! THAT'S AMAZING TSUKKI! CONGRATS!" Yamaguchi gawked, gaining attention from everyone else on the platform.

"Shut up, Yamaguchi. Everyone can hear you," Tsukishima snipped. _Yeah, go ahead and tell your own best friend to shut up, because that's what nice people do right? And I can't believe you were really considering not telling him, or even lying to him! What kind of friend does that? Not a good one._

"Sorry Tsukki~!"

"It's okay." What was Tsukishima supposed to tell him? That the thought of having his face on a magazine for anyone to see frightened him? That he felt _fat_ and _ugly_? Yamaguchi wouldn't understand, he had been handsome and toned his whole life. Tsukishima felt like a blob in comparison.

Luckily his train arrived before Yamaguchi could ask anything more. Tsukishima uttered a quick goodbye under his breath before stepping onto the train with his head down, while slipping his headphones on over his ears.

Yamaguchi felt _weird_ to say the least. He was happy for Tsukki, but Tsukki didn't seem happy. It was an awkward middle ground. Was it wrong of him to congratulate Tsukki before even asking how he felt about the situation? Yamaguchi was about to turn around to his side of the platform where his train would be arriving as Tsukishima, if it wasn't for something that caught his eye. _Tsukishima's bag._ The dino pin was gone. Tsukishima loved that dino pin so much that he sent Yamaguchi a picture of it when he had bought it, with a little heart emoji next to it, obviously proud of his purchase. But now it wasn't even on Tsukishima's bag.

Nothing about Tsukishima was sitting right with Yamaguchi, so he spent the train ride home messaging Kuroo, though he left the modeling part out. That was something Tsukishima should share if he wanted to.

**9:20 PM Yamaguchi:** He wasn't any better later today. Has he texted you at all?

**9:22 PM Kuroo:** Wdym he wasn't better? And no, not yet. I'll send him another text to see if he'll reply.

**9:22 PM Yamaguchi:** Well, he didn't play like he normally did. At one point he dropped the ball without even serving it yet... Tanaka poked fun at him, but he said nothing. We were waiting for a response, but nothing. Also, he has a scratch mark on his bicep, did you see it? Do you know where/what it's from?

**9:25 PM Kuroo:** That doesn't sound like the Tsukki I know... And no, I didn't notice a scratch mark when we watched the movie together. Guess I have quite a bit to ask him about the next time I see him...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this new chapter! Let me know what you think in the comments below, I love hearing what you have to say!
> 
> **Updated 6/20 after switching some team members around and editing errors in the chapter


	6. Simmering Thoughts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The mind is a dangerous place to be left alone.

Tsukishima spent the ride home and the arrival upon his house in a trance-like state. His phone had gone off, but he hadn’t even bothered checking it. He felt _numb._ _Disgusting, ugly, and stupid. They only want you in the magazine so you can let Lev and Oikawa stand out. They’re the ones they want, not you._

His fingers plucked at the scabbed-over mark on his bicep and he chewed at his bottom lip. He felt like throwing up, but didn’t want to make the effort at the same time.  _ Back at the station, why were you considering lying to Yamaguchi? He’s been your friend since middle school, and you think to LIE to him? God you’re really just setting the bar.  _

_ Did you see the way Yamaguchi reacted? The least you could’ve done is pretended like you were excited too. Now he probably realizes how fucked in the head you are. You can’t even mask your emotions correctly. _

_ Maybe you could ask Daichi if Yamaguchi could take your place. He’s charismatic, funny, and full of energy, and you’re just. Well, plain and stupid. There’s nothing good about you. Yamaguchi can compliment the others and represent the team well! But you’re nothing like him. You don’t deserve to be in that magazine and you know it. _

Tsukishima stopped picking at his skin and stood up to go drown his thoughts in the bath. If he were living back at home with his parents, he would’ve been more careful and set an alarm to get him out of the tub, but now he was alone. And none of that mattered.

He settled for the classic piping, skin burning, hot water and sunk beneath the surface, submerging himself in the deafening heat. His skin flushed and grew sweaty at the temperature, but it didn’t bother him. Nothing could bother him. Part of Tsukishima longed to just inhale and forget everything. But as stupid as it sounds, Tsukishima felt some sort of obligation to pull him up out of the water.

He maintained this pattern of submersion and re-emersion from the water till the bath grew cold. And only till a while after that did he snap back to reality to wash his hair and body off. The scratch mark twinged a bit under the roughness of the bathing cloth, but it didn’t hurt necessarily.

Tsukki drained the tub, watching the water spiral down the drain before finishing drying off and putting on his pajamas. He brushed his teeth and combed his hair before catching a glimpse of himself in the mirror.  _ Ugly. Fat. Good for nothing. _ The only expression he could see staring back at him, was an empty one. No light or twinkle of joy in his eyes, just a pitiful nothingness.

He went back to his room and laid in his bed, practically cocooning himself, as if hiding from the outside world. Tsukishima could tell it was nighttime from the moonlight that crept through his window, other than that, he wasn’t quite sure what time it was. His arm popped out from his covers and fished around his nightstand until he found his phone, dragging it under the covers to join him in his seemingly current stage of metamorphosis.

The light blinded him temporarily as he quickly fumbled around to turn down his brightness. “ **2:46 AM** **\- 3 unread messages** ” the screen read. He really felt the need to ignore them, but he knew he’d feel guilty leaving them unread until the morning.

**1st message - 9:31 PM BedheadHottie~:** Hey Moonshine! How was practice today? What’d you decide to do with your day off?

**2nd message - 9:56 PM Yams:** Hey Tsukki, do you have time later this week to hang out again?

**3rd message - 10:20 PM Akiteru Tsukishima:** Hi Kei! It’s your cooler older brother here. Are you planning on visiting home soon? I’ll be there this weekend. LMK if you’re coming over so I can plan some time to hangout with you!

There was no other way to describe the guilt Tsukki was feeling. He wanted to make the effort to hang out with everyone, he wanted to be there for them, but he was  _ tired _ . Completely and utterly tired. Not just because his sleep schedule was skewed, but more of mental exhaustion.  _ Reply to them, you at least owe them that. The lack of effort towards being an overall decent human being is showing.  _

After a while of staring at his screen, Tsukishima mustered up the energy to formulate responses.

**3:16 AM TO BedheadHottie~:** Volleyball was fine. I went out to get crêpes with Yamaguchi. How was your class?

_ Lackluster, but it’ll do. _

**3:17 AM TO Yams:** I’ll have to check.

If Tsukishima were being completely honest- no. He didn’t want to hang out. Of course he loves Yams, but right now he wants nothing more than to lie in bed all day with nothing and no one to interrupt him. He wasn’t even completely sure if he could peel himself from his bed for his 10 AM lecture, anyways.  _ Lazy. Lazy and cold-hearted to your own best friend. _

**3:19 TO Akiteru Tsukishima:** I don’t know. I’ll probably stay here.

Tsukishima shut off his phone and gently laid it back on his nightstand before turning over in his bed to face the wall, staring at it as if it were a TV Screen.  _ Ugly, stupid, fat, cold-hearted,  _ **_monster_ ** .

Time to see if sleep could offer an ounce of peace to Tsukishima’s thundering mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the shorter chapters, I'm currently attending an all-day online conference and working in the times in-between. Enjoy!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for checking out my fic. Each chapter will be relatively short to keep from writing in circles. I love reading your comments and feedback, so let me know what you think!


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